April 23, 2003

Are all step aerobics instructors from another planet, or just the ones I’ve encountered over the last couple of weeks?

There was the woman yesterday who kept on seeming all perky and fun and then every once in a while would slip for a nanosecond into a growling yell that made me think the class was being led by the love child of Harvey Fierstein and Darth Vader. “And right basic, and V step right, around the world, and LUNGE!!!!!!!, and left basic, and TRAVEL!!!!!!!, and . . .” I was terrified she was going to eat me.

Then there’s the guy who does the Wednesday morning class who has the best body I’ve ever seen on a human being and is also the gayest person I have ever met. Last week, at one point I thought the music sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Then I realized it was a disco remix of the Titanic song. Then, during the cool-down at the end, the music was “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina”—the London cast, with Elaine Paige. I ran into him in the locker room afterwards and asked if he taught regularly, because I’d enjoyed the class a lot, and he said he was only in town for a few months, doing an off-Broadway show. I asked him which show, which was foolish of me, because of course he’s doing Naked Boys Singing. The only way he could be gayer would be if he wore a Carmen Miranda hat during the class.

The one really disturbing thing about his class last week, though, was that, in the midst of all the steps with fun names like “around the world” and “revolving door,” he introduced a step called “peg leg,” which involved stepping on one foot while dragging the other along the floor in the manner of Captain Ahab. I had to do the peg leg about twenty times, and I cringed every time. I realize that step aerobics class is not necessarily the most appropriate venue for heightened sociolinguistic awareness, but come on. Peg leg?

Though I suppose “differently limbed” or “drag your prosthesis” don’t have quite the same élan.

By the way, the climax of yesterday’s dilemma has been delayed, so to speak: the straight guy who has been flirting mercilessly with me for a month couldn’t go out last night for ice cream or a drink, because he had to catch an insanely early train. However, he did ask for a rain check in such a way as to make it clear that he meant it.

I’ll have him yet.